Bananas

[Pigeon]

Hutzler 571 - As Seen On Amazon

SW3K

5.0 out of 5 stars No more winning for you, Mr. Banana!

For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. "Use a knife!" they say. Well...my parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. "Shoot it with a gun!" Background check...HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I'll call it South Side Story.

[Pigeon]

Banana slicer...thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon.
58,498 people found this helpful

Freddie
5.0 out of 5 stars In a city of a thousand bananas there is always a story

It was a night like every other. Too many cigarettes and not enough work. Clients were as rare as hens teeth these days. It seemed word got out that I was getting sloppy. "Mr banana fingers", they called me behind my back. "He's losing his touch", they'ed whisper. But when you've sliced as many as i have you'd get soft too. Fat chance I was retiring now. Not with a '57 convertible half way paid off and a tab at the banana stand on 4th that was well past its shelf life. I was a one punch palooka half way to loserville, smelling like cheap cologne and broken dreams.

But then she walked in. She was a knock out. the kind of girl that made old men suck in their gut and young men puff out their chest. "We'll hello there sweetheart, the dentist office is next door", I said with a smile.
"I'm not looking for the dentist", she said. "I'm looking for Johnny Flynn Private Slicer."
"Well you came to the right place", I said, mustering up what I hoped was a look of confidence. "Tell me what's on your mind."

The story she told would have turned the most jaded slicer green with banana envy. It was a big job. The biggest. And even though my gut was turning somersaults I knew I couldn't turn it down. This was the kind of slicing gig that would make a hundred reputations or destroy a thousand more.

Her father was the head of the Dole banana conglomerate and some Ivy League poindexter came up with the big idea to do the annual customer gala with a casino night theme. But this time they were gunna use banana chips instead of poker chips. These babies had to be stripped, sliced and dried to exact measurements if they were going to be handled by Dole's biggest clients.
"I heard you're the best", she said.
"Was the best", I thought. "Yeah, I've still got the chops. Watch this. I grabbed my number 7 knife and threw a banana in the air. I swung at it and missed it entirely. My knife stabbed down through nothin' but air and dropped out of my hand on the table in front of me. I watched the banana spin slowly as it fell fell fell and slap, like some miracle you read about in those dime store slicer mags, the banana landed on the knife blade and was cut cleanly in two. My jaw dropped open in amazement and my eyes were big as saucers.
"Impressive", she said.
"Impossible", I thought. "Yep, impressive is my middle name.", I stammered.
She tossed her red hair back and said, "You got the job. See you Saturday at eight."
"B... Buh... but, we haven't talked about my fee.
She laughed and said as she walked to the door, "Whatever your usual fee is, I'll pay triple."

Then she added, "Oh, and if you blow this gig you'll never work in this town again."

And with a slam of the door she was gone. I realized then she hadn't told me her name. That didn't matter. Everyone knew who she was. It was splashed across the society pages every week. "Dole diva doles out dollars to the down and despondent" or "Lecherous love lorn Lothario leaves Linda Livingston livid". L. & L. but friends just called her Elle.

"You'll never work in this town again".

Those words echoed over and over in my head. As I reached for my hat my hand was shaking. But then, I looked down at the table and saw the miracle banana perfectly sliced.... an accident, or was it? Maybe the big guy up stairs was gunna save my sorry heiner once again. I said a quick thanks to my guardian slicer and headed home. Once I got in bed doubt crashed into my head like a 500 lb gorilla on a sack of Dole's finest. I wasn't gunna come out of this. Not ol' Banana Fingers. I needed help fast and I knew just where to get it. Johnny Flynns mentor in this business was a crusty old slicer named Harvey Muldoon. Long retired he learned the trade over seas cooking banana fritters and stew for the yanks during WWI. If anyone could help me pull this off it was him. I know it was late but I went over and told him everything--about the dame, the gig and the banana trick. He sat their stone faced until I told him about the banana flip, miss and slice. If it wasn't so late in the evening I would swear he shed a tiny tear. He got up from his chair and stood there. And with a smile he said, "I guess you're going to be needing this." He dragged the paint chipped chair over to the corner of the room, got up on it. Reaching up to the ceiling he pushed at a plank which moved out of the way. He reached into the ceiling compartment and pulled out a box wrapped in an old World War I army issue banana sack. Inside was a battered tin box. With a look of immense pride he handed it to me like a father handing someone their new born to hold for the first time. "This saved my life", he said as he carefully lifted the dented metal lid. Inside was a hand cut form made of velvet and soft cotton and nestled in the middle was a strange looking device. Reverently he took it out and handed it to me. "Be careful now. It's razor sharp."

[Pigeon]

"What is it" I said.
It's the Hutzler 571. It's what gave me the speed and precision to feed thousands of doughboys a day with mess tins and steaming bowls of banana fritters, pudding and stew.
I was intrigued but skeptical... until I saw it in action. Shazam! It sliced bananas faster than Ricky Ricardo could smack a conga drum.
"I will take good care of it", I said solemnly
"You better. It's yours now.", he said.
I was overwhelmed. "I don't know what to say."
"You can start with a simple thank you" he said with a smirk.

Come Saturday I was all ready. I made a small leather holster for it so that I could pull it out at a moments notice. I practiced my draw in front of the mirror day and night. I can't say that the event went perfectly. But I got the satisfaction of Elle saying I could slice her bananas any old time of the year.

I found my confidence that day. Thanks to some divine help and an old man's secret weapon I made it to the big banana leagues. No more scraping around for the odd job. Now I named my fee and sliced my way across the banana circuit. But still, with my fame and banana jet set status Linda Livingston was still out of my league. Now when I read about her in the society section I save the article and place them in a folder in the large steel safe along with a battered tin box. When I see it I say a quick thanks to her for walking into my life and giving this old flatfoot a chance to start again.

[Pigeon]

Kevin8se7en

5.0 out of 5 stars The true meaning of 571
Reviewed in Canada on February 4, 2016
Verified Purchase

Since I enjoy dining like a toddler, I appreciate the ability to slice my bananas in to bite sized pieces. This device has allowed me to to truly enjoy consuming three bananas per day.

The downside it it just "broke"
I had already eaten my morning banana, and was about to slice my lunch banana, and it wouldn't slice. It seems to look fine, but it would simply not cut through the banana. I thought this was odd because it had always cut through even the toughest of bananas since I got it, but this time - it was like trying to lift Thor's hammer... impossible.

So I went on here to write a poor review, and that's when I saw it... it said I received the delivery 191 days ago. I know I eat 3 bananas per day, so that means my lunch banana was the 572nd banana to be sliced by the Hultzer 571... 571?! It can only slice 571 bananas! After that, it loses it slicing abilities.

I couldn't write a poor review for an item that is so clearly labelled as "571". I wouldn't give a bad review to a 2-slice toaster for not being able to make 4 pieces of toast. I make 2 slices and then throw the toaster out as anyone would normally do.

I will buying another 571 slicer for my next 190.3 days
I will also search for a non-disposable toaster. Making only 2 slices before throwing it out just seems like a waste.

[Pigeon]

Slices left and right handed bananas

Trying doing that with other slicers.

[Pigeon]

Tanner Thompson

5.0 out of 5 stars WOW!!!! Get this if you've ever been frustrated by the chore of slicing babanas!

Wow. What can I say about the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer.... Well, first of all, it saves me a boatload of time in the morning. I work at a food processing plant and my job is to cut bananas for snack pack type containers. All of my coworkers have lost their jobs due to automation and robots taking over, however since I have been there the longest, they offered me a position alongside the robots......... I couldn't keep up. I would frequently get ridiculed by the robots for cutting slow and uneven slices......well not anymore! Ever since getting the Pulitzer 571 I have been earning my keep! My banana slices are even, crisp, and the whole tool itself just inspires confidence! I will never go back to using a butter knife at work or at home (for cutting bananas...let's get real....I still have to butter my toast and my famous baked potatoes.....they are actually double baked....twice with cheese, and I leave the onions off until the second bake as to not burn them... (it's all in the details)) Thank you Juniper 601!!!! This has been the 5th best purchase for approximately 5 dollars I've ever bought.

[Pigeon]

Mike Ferguson

5.0 out of 5 stars Greatest Christmas present ever!

This past Christmas was my girlfriend and I's first Christmas together. Things have been going great and needless to say, I really wanted to impress her and get her a gift she would never forget. I went to the mall, searched online, nothing really seemed to stand out and say "I Love You". The first obvious choice was jewelry because all women love jewelry. But I thought "this is no average woman, she deserves more than an average gift".

While looking around on Amazon, I came across the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. At first, I didn't pay it much attention and continued my search but kept coming back to it. It seemed like a great gift but was it really the "perfect" gift? It seemed almost too good to be true. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. She loves bananas and I started to think about all the time she would save with this wonderful gift. More time for us to go out. More time to talk on the phone. More time for...stuff other than cutting bananas.

I put in my order and the Hutzler 571 arrived promptly at my doorstep. I won't lie, it was hard to not keep this fantastic gift for myself but I managed to resist. I ordered this well ahead of time and almost let the cat out of the bag several times from sheer excitement and joy at the thought of how impressed and happy she will be. I kept telling myself though that it will be the greatest Christmas present she ever gets and it would be worth the wait.

A few weeks go by and Christmas day is here. I had bought her other gifts but they were nothing compared to this. They were good, but this was perfect. One by one, she opens her presents and expresses her excitement and appreciation but I can tell none of them really wowed her. Then she came to the final gift, the Hutzler 571.

At first, she had no clue what it could have been due to the odd shape of the package (it's banana shaped). But I knew what lied inside. She slowly peeled back the wrapping revealing the treasure that awaited her. It took her a minute to register it as I can imagine she never thought in a million years that a guy she had been dating for only a few short months, would have gotten her a gift so fitting and perfect. I could see the wheels starting to turn and a bright smile shot across her face. She leaped up off the couch and jumped into my arms hugging me and kissing me. "How did you know?" she said. In all her life, she never imagined she would meet a man as amazing as me and I really proved my value with the greatest gift she had ever received.

Here it is just a few weeks after the holidays and things couldn't be better with us. Our relationship was doing well and we were both very happy but things have been so much better since Christmas. We have been discussing plans of moving in together, marriage, and even children. I can only take part of the credit for how wonderful our relationship is but I know the good people at Hutzler really are the ones who deserve the credit for making my life the fairy tale that it is.

[Royal]

That's bananas. The reviewer creating all the fake entries love using quotes.

[Pigeon]

The number of these actually sold would be a good trivia question.